Comments on: Shame & DID http://www.new-landscape.com/2008/02/shame-did/ New York support group for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) / Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) Tue, 27 Dec 2011 21:08:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Jigsaw Analogy--Cleo http://www.new-landscape.com/2008/02/shame-did/comment-page-1/#comment-36 Jigsaw Analogy--Cleo Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:19:18 +0000 http://blog.new-landscape.com/2008/02/17/shame-did/#comment-36 I was thinking about shame and DID, and also in relation to having fibromyalgia. And for me, a bit part of that is my inability to just overcome these disorders, and go on and have the kind of outwardly successful life I am "supposed to" have. If I didn't have fibro, if I didn't have DID, then I would be a college professor, and a mother, and run a perfect household. I would have all of the outward things that show I am successful. And I feel like, if these things are *sometimes* within my abilities, then maybe there is something wrong with me for not being able to do them all the time. Rationally, I can see that isn't true. But boy do I feel guilty about it. I feel like a failure. I feel like it's just admitting I'm a failure if I do something like go on disability (not that I currently have the physical or mental energy to apply for disability, so it's a moot point). But acknowledging that these are not things I can overcome, and that I'm going to have to readjust my life to fit within limitations. That feels like giving up, and I deal with a lot of shame for not being able to be the poster child. You know? "Yes, I have DID, I have fibromyalgia, I have whatever it is that holds other people back, but you CAN succeed and do amazing things and be a total outward success if you just try." I was raised to believe I could do anything if I only tried hard enough. This was meant (by people outside my family) to be a supportive message. But it inevitably combines with the message from inside my family, that any time I couldn't manage to do what was expected of me, it was my fault for not trying hard enough, and not connected to the tasks genuinely being too hard. But the fact is, not everyone can achieve what the "poster children" achieve. Not everyone is able to overcome these things. Sometimes, we have to scale back. I'm struggling to be ok with that, but it's hard. So that's a big place where I feel shame. I was thinking about shame and DID, and also in relation to having fibromyalgia. And for me, a bit part of that is my inability to just overcome these disorders, and go on and have the kind of outwardly successful life I am “supposed to” have. If I didn’t have fibro, if I didn’t have DID, then I would be a college professor, and a mother, and run a perfect household. I would have all of the outward things that show I am successful. And I feel like, if these things are *sometimes* within my abilities, then maybe there is something wrong with me for not being able to do them all the time.

Rationally, I can see that isn’t true. But boy do I feel guilty about it. I feel like a failure. I feel like it’s just admitting I’m a failure if I do something like go on disability (not that I currently have the physical or mental energy to apply for disability, so it’s a moot point).

But acknowledging that these are not things I can overcome, and that I’m going to have to readjust my life to fit within limitations. That feels like giving up, and I deal with a lot of shame for not being able to be the poster child. You know? “Yes, I have DID, I have fibromyalgia, I have whatever it is that holds other people back, but you CAN succeed and do amazing things and be a total outward success if you just try.”

I was raised to believe I could do anything if I only tried hard enough. This was meant (by people outside my family) to be a supportive message. But it inevitably combines with the message from inside my family, that any time I couldn’t manage to do what was expected of me, it was my fault for not trying hard enough, and not connected to the tasks genuinely being too hard.

But the fact is, not everyone can achieve what the “poster children” achieve. Not everyone is able to overcome these things. Sometimes, we have to scale back. I’m struggling to be ok with that, but it’s hard. So that’s a big place where I feel shame.

]]> By: Maria http://www.new-landscape.com/2008/02/shame-did/comment-page-1/#comment-35 Maria Sat, 01 Mar 2008 00:21:39 +0000 http://blog.new-landscape.com/2008/02/17/shame-did/#comment-35 Oh, I too have trouble with the embarrassment. I identify with Cooper in that I think for the most part I have let go of the shame. Sometimes it comes back but it is not the over riding feeling. But I can easily be embarrassed. Sometimes when one of the others act in a certain way I feel it is a reflection on me. I also feel awkward when I know people are seeing an adult and mature body and I am unsure of myself. One of our other selves, jane, is a teenager and she hates it if she feels gawky. So we each struggle with this somewhat. Oh, I too have trouble with the embarrassment. I identify with Cooper in that I think for the most part I have let go of the shame. Sometimes it comes back but it is not the over riding feeling. But I can easily be embarrassed. Sometimes when one of the others act in a certain way I feel it is a reflection on me. I also feel awkward when I know people are seeing an adult and mature body and I am unsure of myself. One of our other selves, jane, is a teenager and she hates it if she feels gawky. So we each struggle with this somewhat.

]]> By: Cooper http://www.new-landscape.com/2008/02/shame-did/comment-page-1/#comment-34 Cooper Wed, 27 Feb 2008 00:00:43 +0000 http://blog.new-landscape.com/2008/02/17/shame-did/#comment-34 JR, I probably should have a bit more clear on the question I was answering. I thought it was about shame and having DID, so I answered that way. We did and still do quite a bit of work with the difference between shame and embarassment, but I agree with you 100% about being overwhelmed by shame associated by memories of things. It can be and is overwhelming at times. If it is overwhelming for me as an adult, it is moreso for the parts most affected as they are younger. Like you, we try to find peace in the midst. Then we try to do what would give the parts affected peace in their own midst. We get those affected by the memory and give them an opportunity to draw what they are experiencing, talk about what they are feeling while they draw and we just work on it as a team. Gives you a righteous headache sometimes when quite a few are involved, but it seems to help us. After we help the little ones with their particular memory set, we get to work with the anger of the teenagers and give them an opportunity to work with their modes of expression. Then we try to work with the adult layers who have a different approach to the sense of shame they now have for things they never knew about. Eventually, through all the layers, we work it through. One way you can tell the little ones were helped...they and the teenagers help the adult set when its their turn to work with it. At the end of the process, everyone seems to have helped everyone else inside and peace returns. The more we work with it, the less intense it becomes over time. That's pretty much all we know to do. The best way for us to live with it is to help each other with it. JR, I probably should have a bit more clear on the question I was answering. I thought it was about shame and having DID, so I answered that way. We did and still do quite a bit of work with the difference between shame and embarassment, but I agree with you 100% about being overwhelmed by shame associated by memories of things. It can be and is overwhelming at times. If it is overwhelming for me as an adult, it is moreso for the parts most affected as they are younger. Like you, we try to find peace in the midst. Then we try to do what would give the parts affected peace in their own midst. We get those affected by the memory and give them an opportunity to draw what they are experiencing, talk about what they are feeling while they draw and we just work on it as a team. Gives you a righteous headache sometimes when quite a few are involved, but it seems to help us. After we help the little ones with their particular memory set, we get to work with the anger of the teenagers and give them an opportunity to work with their modes of expression. Then we try to work with the adult layers who have a different approach to the sense of shame they now have for things they never knew about. Eventually, through all the layers, we work it through. One way you can tell the little ones were helped…they and the teenagers help the adult set when its their turn to work with it. At the end of the process, everyone seems to have helped everyone else inside and peace returns. The more we work with it, the less intense it becomes over time. That’s pretty much all we know to do. The best way for us to live with it is to help each other with it.

]]> By: JR http://www.new-landscape.com/2008/02/shame-did/comment-page-1/#comment-33 JR Tue, 26 Feb 2008 16:04:02 +0000 http://blog.new-landscape.com/2008/02/17/shame-did/#comment-33 I am okay with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Dissociation saved my life. I feel shame when I listen to and abosorb my parts. I also feel shame when I remember things that happened to me. The shame becomes overwhelming. I try to find peace within and then invite the parts that are feeling the shame to join me. I don't know how else to live with this. Any comments? I am okay with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Dissociation saved my life. I feel shame when I listen to and abosorb my parts. I also feel shame when I remember things that happened to me. The shame becomes overwhelming.

I try to find peace within and then invite the parts that are feeling the shame to join me. I don’t know how else to live with this. Any comments?

]]> By: Cooper http://www.new-landscape.com/2008/02/shame-did/comment-page-1/#comment-32 Cooper Fri, 22 Feb 2008 14:28:41 +0000 http://blog.new-landscape.com/2008/02/17/shame-did/#comment-32 It took a long time to emotionally accept DID. We isolated from everything until we were able to find a personal, inside acceptance of "me" as a "we". I still get embarassed when there is an OOPS thing (switch) that is noticeable but I try to remember that it's a part of me that has something to say and we can learn from that OOPS together to make whatever it is easier on that part. We're not always successful with that, but we try because it's been important to learn about all parts and to compassionately care about the experiences, needs, thoughts, behaviors and functions of each part. Embarassment can still happen, but shame for having DID or shame for what caused the DID? We let go of that a long time ago. I'm not ashamed for surviving. I'm not ashamed for being here and using the best abilities I had to live, to protect special parts of me. I'm not ashamed of my ability to dissociate in order to survive. I also spent a lot of time with little parts explaining to them the difference between shame and embarassment. The real shame belongs to those who were abusive. We worked as a team to put the shame part where it belongs (with the abusers) and we put the pride part (we survived, we're here and we're going to overcome) where it belongs (with all of us). The embarassment about a switch in public...we're still working on that one but getting better with it by trying to learn what that switch was teaching us about ourselves in that particular instance. I don't know if that helps, but that's what we do/believe. It took a long time to emotionally accept DID. We isolated from everything until we were able to find a personal, inside acceptance of “me” as a “we”. I still get embarassed when there is an OOPS thing (switch) that is noticeable but I try to remember that it’s a part of me that has something to say and we can learn from that OOPS together to make whatever it is easier on that part. We’re not always successful with that, but we try because it’s been important to learn about all parts and to compassionately care about the experiences, needs, thoughts, behaviors and functions of each part. Embarassment can still happen, but shame for having DID or shame for what caused the DID? We let go of that a long time ago. I’m not ashamed for surviving. I’m not ashamed for being here and using the best abilities I had to live, to protect special parts of me. I’m not ashamed of my ability to dissociate in order to survive. I also spent a lot of time with little parts explaining to them the difference between shame and embarassment. The real shame belongs to those who were abusive. We worked as a team to put the shame part where it belongs (with the abusers) and we put the pride part (we survived, we’re here and we’re going to overcome) where it belongs (with all of us). The embarassment about a switch in public…we’re still working on that one but getting better with it by trying to learn what that switch was teaching us about ourselves in that particular instance. I don’t know if that helps, but that’s what we do/believe.

]]>