most of my life that i can remember, i’ve pretty much had the attitude that there isn’t anything i can do to change how another person behaves. and that’s useful in a lot of ways. i could just kind of insulate myself from people who treated me badly, believing that there wasn’t anything that would make a difference. kind of a passive response, i guess.

but the problem for me with that is that it keeps me from getting close to people. i guess a whole lot of how love shows up in me is wanting the best for people. and what’s best for people is that they fix the shit that’s messing up their lives, you know?

i realized this with my partner. i was getting furious at her all the time, because she forgets to use her inhaler, or she doesn’t do her physical therapy, or she’s not taking care of herself. and i’d wonder why i got so mad, since it wasn’t hurting *me*. and then it was like, “OH!! this is what *love* is like. i want her to take care of these things because they will make her feel better.”

my therapist, and our couples’ therapist, have helped me to learn ways of expressing that it’s really important for our relationship for w to take care of the things she needs to take care of. and vice versa, but i feel like i’m generally more on top of taking care of as much as i possibly can.

but at the same time, i still have a lot of that “well, i can’t control what you do or don’t do” in my attitude, and i’m only gradually learning to say, “hey, i may not be able to control it, and i certainly can’t force you, but your failure to deal with this stuff is hurting our relationship. and if you don’t deal with your end of things, that’s a major problem.”

so for me it’s a balance. on the one hand, i let go. and there are people who have convinced me that they really aren’t going to work on their stuff, and i really let go of them. but on the other hand, there are people who i care enough about that i’m pushing really hard for them to work on stuff.

for me, it took realizing that the constant irritation and anger was actually about love. because i’ve found that people are often more willing to hear me telling them i love them than that i am mad at them.

This is a HUGE challenge for me every day right now – trying to figure out how to “be” when I live with someone who thinks most of his problems are caused by other people.

This is one of the sources of my greatest pain right now. When the person who “won’t deal” is my spouse. It is a daily struggle. It brings me to my knees very often. I’m left with praying for him and letting go. And the letting go is also in order to protect myself as much as I can. I have to for my own sake.

It’s very very very hard to watch him and live the way we do. Again, I keep working on me – because I am the only one I can change.