but i guess i’m doing pretty well, because even though i’ve felt exhausted and sad, it just hasn’t been the depth of despair or panic that i would have felt in the past. heck, it’s not even the level of despair or panic that have come from fairly minor things.

i’m not saying it isn’t hard, because it *is*, but i recognize that these feelings are temporary, and that the best course is to feel them, and then they will be less intense. so even though i’m exhausted and sad and all of that, it just… it’s just feelings, i guess.

so i suppose that for me, doing well is being able to cope with things when necessary, and also knowing when to step back and let myself *not* cope with things (now that i’m back home, i’m spending a bit of time just hibernating, because i know that i need that).

so it is a lot easier to believe the stuff that has come up over the years, because there was some external validation that other people remembered the same things.

it also helped to go back to my family and look at them objectively… sort of seeing all of the different aspects, good and bad, and coping with that. but the main thing was that it was pretty clear to me over the weeks with them that the things different parts remember are the most likely case–both those with “good” memories and those with “bad” memories. because things were very mixed up that way.

i suppose the main thing with my system is that we are rarely out on our own, and the little kids are almost never out on their own unless the older ones keeping an eye on things feels like it’s a good idea. so while whoever is trying to maintain control might get a vicious headache, that’s about the extent of it.

for us, a bigger issue has been getting comfortable with the idea of younger part having times when it’s actually appropriate for them to be out. looking back, i think that used to be how i was, before i knew about being multiple. and i’ve gotten more comfortable with that happening now, and it’s really been ok. the little kids aren’t really obvious, unless someone knows them already, but they can often be out even at times that i might have deemed “inappropriate” in the past.

but then, most of my parts have enough sense of decorum that they aren’t going to do things that really upset people outside, so that works in my favor.

the weird thing is, just a couple of weeks after i wrote about going down to once a week, a family crisis came up, and i was across the country with my family for a month. i am finally back now, but i still haven’t had a chance to get in to see my therapist. i guess what’s really weird about that is, even though i know it will do me good to talk with her, i was really able to handle things pretty well while i was away.

but what chariots says about nothing being permanent is definitely true. you can go to once a week, and if that’s causing trouble, you can go back to twice a week. or the opposite–you could go up to more sessions for when you need it, and then back down again.

Also – I’ve always known that if I try something – it never has to be “permanent”. I can always try, and then if it doesn’t work, go back to the way thing were.

I often try to think of worse case scenarios and “what do I have to lose?” – when I think of trying something new. Helps give me perspective.