Have you had any periods of denial?Â Talk about anything related to denial.
I’m a part who was created in order to be in denial. My job was to act like everything was ok, like I was healthy and in control and nothing bad was happening.
So that’s a job I kind of have to fight with, because it’s the most natural thing for me to do. And sometimes, it’s even still useful. There are lots of times when it’s handy to have someone who can act like everything is ok.
It’s just that I have to learn how to balance that with being aware of what’s really going on, and not feeling guilty or trying to cover up what’s going on (except for when it’s necessary).
I’ve also found that it’s easier to get through my life if I’m able to admit that there are different parts in the system, and that it’s ok to have different parts.
It’s funny, because I can see the other parts sometimes, and it just seems… weird. Like even 2+ years into coping with the fact that I’m multiple, I’ll still have times like yesterday, when one of the littles was talking with my partner, and then went to get me to do something, and I was startled by the fact that “I” was thinking differently than I had been a couple of minutes before. Because the times when I’m aware, it still feels like it’s “me,” it’s just that “I” am behaving totally differently from how I would behave.
And it still surprises me, that I don’t automatically know what the other parts are thinking. I sometimes have trouble accepting that there can be other parts who really are separate from me. I mean, not *technically* separate, since we share a body, but separate enough that if they are thinking something, I’ll only know if they say it “out loud” or tell someone else or I see them acting on a different impulse.
What DID? Do I have DID? Nah – I don’t think I have DID.
Because if I did have DID – then it would mean I was abused pretty badly, and how can that be when I don’t remember anything that bad at all??
Yes – denial is constantly pulling me. In my world – I feel I have to believe the unseen is more real than the seen, in order to believe I have DID. Ironically, I actually DO believe the unseen is more real when it comes to spiritual things and spiritual beings. I seem to have a harder time accepting this when it comes to my internal world though. I seem to have a hard time trusting…… myself and my “people”.
i think that with parts in my system who struggle more with denial, part of the problem is that we weren’t *supposed* to believe it was happening. so it feels like this dangerous thing, or a betrayal of people they care about, to say we’re multiple (or, for that matter, that things they remember happening were abusive. not even getting into the things that they only vaguely remember, or don’t remember, but acknowledge probably happened because other parts say they happened.)
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