2 thoughts on “Acceptance

  1. we

    hoestly i oftend questioned if i realy was what i thought i was. because of all those media stereotyps. i thought that i couldnt really be multiple because i mostly had common memory. (i just dicoverd the word, co-conscious last night when i was on the internet). what a relief toFINALY be validated! HEY ALL YOU STUPID PSYCHIATRISTS! I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! there is absolutly no substitute for self education. we are the experts, not the “normals” who try to tell us what we are. what they think we are. their books and their deplomas can never replace our experience! sorry, lots of anger on this point.

  2. jigsaw analogy

    i used to just assume i was a variation of normal, and not multiple. well, not normal per se, but not multiple. i didn’t have obvious blank spots in my memory, i just thought i had a bad memory. i mean, people would tell me i had said or done something, and i wouldn’t remember, but that had been true all my life, and i didn’t think much of it. and none of my parts do things that are so far out of what “i” might do… well, now that i think of it, maybe it’s that we’ve always switched so much that b.d. (before diagnosis), i just “integrated” whatever other parts did into my perception of who “i” was. so it didn’t occur to me that other people didn’t feel like they just sat and looked at the pages of their textbooks, blanked out what happened in class or during a test, and got good grades.

    stuff like that. i mean, looking at it and thinking about being multiple, it makes sense, but i know enough people who do those exact same things and think they’re not multiple that i really normalized that experience.

    as for my abuse history… i struggle with it. i mean, rationally it makes sense, but that doesn’t mean all of the parts accept it emotionally. some stuff, sure, because it’s part of a common memory bank we all share. but other stuff, it’s just hard to believe. but at the same time, i’ve always kind of done this thing i call “triangulating.” you know, where you can figure out the distance to something by measuring angles and all of that… it’s a math thing, i can’t remember the details… anyhow, i take the information i have and use it to draw the most likely conclusions is what i mean by that. and it’s way more likely that particular abuse stuff happened than that it didn’t. so i just kind of leave it at that.

    also, there have been times when someone in my family described an incident that matched some of a particular kind of “nightmare” pretty much perfectly… so i’ve learned to accept that those are probably clear flashbacks, even though i remember them from outside my body a lot of the time.

    so, yeah. i can accept it, even if i can’t believe it.

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